Surviving the Food Pyramid
Digesting food and pooping it out
I’ve compiled a Guide to Understanding the Food Pyramid and I’m offering it free to anyone who reads my blog.
Now, being that you’re at Sloppy Potatoes, you probably think this is a joke. You think you’ll find a list that includes all variety of potatoes: Au gratin, scalloped, baked, fried, french fried, cheesy, boiled, mashed and smashed. (Yes they are different, it’s based on the level of violence used in the process. And clearly if there was a Potato Pyramid, you would need at least 10 servings of cheesy potatoes and 8 servings of french fries per day.) While it’s not an all-potato list, the real food pyramid does in fact include potatoes. There is pure scientific fact that humans cannot survive without french fries, so to ignore them would be bad. It’s about moderation.
Follow this table from the top down. Foods at the top are vital to any eating plan, while foods at the bottom should be eaten only a couple times per week:
Surviving the Food Pyramid
| 1. Popcorn, Cheez-Its, Beer | Again like I said it’s all about moderation. Stick to 15 servings per day of these staples. If you’re going to help a buddy demolish a 30-pack, just cut back on your popcorn and Cheez-Its for that day. It’s important to get back to an equal balance of five servings each the next day. Make sure to avoid movie theater popcorn. That stuff is bad news. |
| 2. Cheeseburgers, with bacon, bun and ketchup | While the chemical composition of cheeseburgers is vital to health of some type, you must regulate yourself. Try not to go over your five cheeseburger limit. And no cheating. If you have a double-cheeseburger it does count as a serving-and-a-half. |
| 3. Bologna and cheese, and other processed meats | Bologna and cheese is very important. You don’t want to eat a whole ring of bologna or a whole block of cheese in one sitting. Spread it out. Make at least three of your 12 meals/snacks per day bologna and cheese. Be sure to mix other processed meats, like sausage, pepperoni, beef jerky, spam and corned beef, into your other meals and snacks. |
| 4. Lasagna | This magnificently useful food has all the essential vitamins and minerals in it, those include: Hamburger, Cheese, Pasta, tomato sauce and garlic. You can substitute spaghetti and meatballs, but it is a poor substitute. |
| 4. Green Beans, corn, peas, carrots and other vegetables, with one cup of cheese sauce for every cup of vegetables | Vegetables are important for lots of nutritious things. But they taste awful unless you add cheese. If you don’t have any cheese sauce, fry up the vegetables in the same pan as several slices of bacon. Drizzle with leftover grease. |
| 5. Potatoes | As listed above: Cheesy potatoes and french fries should make up the bulk of this category. You’ll be getting plenty of starches from some of the above categories, so limit your potato intake. Only have about one-to-two servings per day. Just make sure they’re really big servings. |
| 6. Beans, Cabbage, garlic, goat cheese, broccoli, brussel sprouts, boiled eggs, chili dogs. | Once or twice per day, eat at least one item that adds aroma to your flatulence. Because farts are funny and stinky farts are more funny. |
| 7. Movie Theater Popcorn | Once a week. Yes, it’s awful unhealthy. But it’s so good. |
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